My Journey

"The only journey is the one within"

Not Viable

This is the first article and I guess the hardest to write mainly because this is very personal to me. The last two months have been actually surreal and I was in the midst of picking myself up from a tragedy of losing an unborn angel. Just by writing this post, I can remember the pain, the helplessness, the tears and dissapointment I felt back when it happened. 


It started on a Thursday when I felt something was not right with my secretion. I thought I was spotting more than usual or if it was even normal to spot at all. Based on the midwife who assisted my case, it was just normal. I wanted to have myself checked that time, unfortunately from the 2 or 3 clinics I called, they cannot just give me an ultrasound if I haven't reached a certain number of weeks in the pregnancy. I was on my 9 weeks + then and they needed it to be 10. So, without thinking that it can be an impending loss, my husband and I went for a staycation in Belgium on Friday. Everything was perfect - the B&B place, the location. Saturday came, and I remembered being so energetic on that morning. Swaying and making some small dance moves whilst taking shower. It was a normal morning. We decided to explore a town in Belgium nearby our rented house. We walked, we talked, we brought our pet. It was in the middle of our walking spree, that I started to feel tired and having lower back ache. I told my husband if we could start heading back to the house to rest. So we did. Never had I imagined that as soon as I went to the restroom, I will see something that will horrify me. I believe I was starting to miscarry. Being a panic-stricken that I am, I told the situation to my husband. Sometimes my husband is too positive that at times, I think and feel alone. I wanted to be positive on that very moment, but I can't. What I am seeing doesn't help me to staying positive. We still had a normal dinner after, although the flow was starting to get stronger and stronger. After the dinner, we went back to the house to cap  the evening off. It was midnight until around 9am the following day that I have to endure the ordeal of miscarrying. That could have been our child! I felt so sorry and devastated. Tears wouldn’t fall at that time yet, I felt numb. All I know was that I got the strength to tell my husband sorry... let's just try again


I had a miscarriage upon entering my 10th week. Now, I have the strength to say it and put it in writing because I have already accepted it. I accepted the loss and I know that it's probably not viable. I have been reading tons of materials and encountered the statistics about miscarriage. I have been part of that statistics now. If it's not viable, the body will naturally expel it. So that was what my body bravely did. 


The following day after the ordeal, I was checked by a new doctor. After checking, my uterus had been emptied already and in fact my body did a great job that it cleansed everything.  By the time we went to the doctor, it's as if I am on the last day of my period. The bleeding has reduced significantly though it took me another 2 weeks for it to entirely stop. At the end of the check, she couldn't give a reason, she just said that it happens to about 10-15% of pregnant women. That was the moment I cried. I cried my heart out. The pain was unexplainable, excruciating. I felt really weak. The next two weeks were spent at home, recovering emotionally and phyically. The consolation to me was that I didn't feel any pain when the whole thing happened, no cramps nothing. It's just like I had a very heavy and long period. Days after that, I just kept myself busy reviving my spirit and since Christmas is about to come, I spent the days at home decorating our place. I was working from home for that two weeks whilst waiting for the bleeding to entirely stop. 


Now, two months later, I can say that I've recovered from the incident. The thought still comes and goes but everytime it happens, I just divert my thoughts to something much more positive. That WE can do it again. We've done it once and we will do it again. Now, I am more focused to strengthening my body - my core to prepare for a new pregnancy. It will probably need some more time, but I am positive that it will happen again. Currently, I am on a journey towards naturally enhancing my fertility and improving my health. Now more than ever, I am determined to be healthier and to becoming a future mom!